The First Calling
I decided to carry the
banner of the Coalition for Religious Freedom and Tolerance in the
Utah Pride Parade and have a booth for gatheringsignatures on our
petition to put the phrase "pursuit of happiness" in the Utah State
Constitution.
I wanted to show my support for gay rights, so I had my hair cut in a
Mohawk and dyed it pink. Saturday night before the parade,
I was busy preparing signs that read "You don't have to be gay to be
tolerant." and "Freedom through tolerance." I finished at
about midnight.
Then, I heard The Spirit: "Ken, I have an important calling for you."
"Can you keep it brief?" I asked, "It's late and I have to get up
early to set up the booth."
"Silence!" exclaimed The Spirit. "You are hereby called to found the
Same Sex Church."
"How can that be?" I objected, "I don't believe in same sex and I will
not practice it."
'Your unworthiness is irrelevant," said The Spirit. "If pedophiles can
serve as priests, surely you can be the founder of the Same
Sex Church. You don't have to be a member or even a minister. You just
tell people about it and I will make them members. I
will ordain them as ministers. They don't have to believe you or
follow you. They don't even have to believe I am anything more
than a figment of your imagination.
"They only have to believe in same sex, hence it is called the "Same
Sex Church."
"Tell me more," I asked, forgetting the late hour.
"The name is Same Sex Church. The doctrine is same sex. The sacrament
is same sex. Members worship through same sex.
The commandment is same sex. The only sin is abstinence from same sex
for more than 30 days. Repentance for that sin is
achieved through the practice of same sex. I will give the definition
of Same sex directly to each member.
"If anyone raises their right hand above their head and repeats the
member's statement, I will receive them as a full member of the Same
Sex Church with all the rights and privileges guaranteed by the law
for members of any religion.
"If anyone raises their left hand above their head and repeats the
minister's pledge, I will recognize them as a properly ordained
minister of the Same Sex Church, with all the rights and privileges
allowed by the law for any ordained minister of any religion."
"Wow! That's cool!" I responded. "Why are you asking me to establish
the Same Sex Church at this time?"
"Your government is having a difficult time recognizing the rights of
individuals to choose their sexual preference. They
understand freedom of religion. So, I'm making Same Sex a religion.
"Now, if an employer or government agent discriminates against any
member of the Same Sex Church, they are not just
discriminating on the basis of sexual preference. They are
discriminating on the basis of religion or creed. That's clearly
defined in the laws of the land."
"Oh, I'm beginning to understand," I responded.
"Also," said The Spirit, "the commandment of the Same Sex Church to
practice same sex must be viewed by your government as equally valid
as the commandments of other churches not to practice same sex. Taking
sides on this doctrinal issue would violate the numerous
constitutional passages that forbid the establishment of religion or
the prohibition of the free exercise thereof. Thus, all the laws
against same sex marriage are obviously unconstitutional, now that
same sex is a religious commandment. If they want to ban same sex
marriage, they must show how it harms unwilling victims. Otherwise,
they are fostering one religion over another."
Finally, The Spirit explained how any attack on a member of the Same
Sex Church is more than a hate crime. It is an attack on
the Constitution. Those who do so must now be tried as terrorists.
There is no constitutional requirement that anyone must prove the
strength of their faith or testimony before they are free to
exercise their religion without legal restraint. The Utah Constitution
(Art III) says,
"Perfect toleration
of religious sentiment is guaranteed. No inhabitant of this state shall
ever be molested in person or property on account of his or her mode of
religious worship."
That protection now
applies to members of the Same Sex Church. Enjoy!